Why I Still Feel Guilty When I'm Actually Sick

When being ill feels like letting everyone down

Core Wounds and Anxiety: Breaking the Pattern of Taking Responsibility for Everything

Sometimes the universe has a way of forcing us to confront our deepest patterns when we least expect it. This week, I found myself calling in sick with shingles, which is a genuinely serious condition that required rest and recovery. Yet instead of focusing on getting better, I found myself caught up in familiar feelings of anxiety about letting people down.

The project was new, the timing felt terrible, and despite my rational mind knowing I had no control over falling ill, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was causing problems for everyone involved. This familiar spiral of guilt and anxiety became a wake-up call, illuminating a core wound I've been carrying for years.

What Are Core Wounds?

Core wounds are those deep-seated emotional patterns that shape how we respond to stress, conflict, and uncertainty. They're the automatic thoughts and feelings that arise from our earliest experiences, often formed in childhood when we were most vulnerable and impressionable.

For me, this overwhelming fear of disappointing others traces back to a volatile childhood where conflict needed to be avoided at all costs. I learnt early that keeping everyone happy was a survival strategy even when it meant taking responsibility for other people's emotions or sacrificing my own needs.

The Pattern Recognition Moment

As I lay there with shingles, battling both physical pain and emotional turmoil, I realised this wasn't an isolated incident. This same anxiety pattern shows up whenever:

• I need to set boundaries at work

• I have to deliver disappointing news

• I can't meet someone's expectations due to circumstances beyond my control

• Any situation arises where conflict might occur

  
  

The common thread? An irrational sense that I'm responsible for managing everyone else's emotional experience.

The Power of Rational Intervention

Here's what I've learnt through years of working on this issue: while the initial emotional response might be automatic, we can train our rational mind to intervene quickly and effectively.

When those familiar thoughts of "I'm letting everyone down" start spiraling, I've developed a mental toolkit:

1. Reality check: Is this actually my fault, or am I taking responsibility for something beyond my control?

   
   

   In this case: I didn't choose to get shingles, It's a serious illness and could be contagious.

   
   

2. Reframing: What would I tell a friend in this situation?

   
   

   I'd tell them to rest, recover properly, and stop feeling guilty about something completely out of their control.

   
   

3. Practical action: What's the most helpful thing I can do right now?

   
   

   Send a clear message explaining the situation, offer what support I can from home if appropriate, and focus on getting well so I can return at full capacity.

Accepting "Good Enough" Progress

Perhaps the most liberating realisation has been this: I might never completely eliminate these core wound responses. The goal isn't to become someone who never feels anxiety about disappointing others, but to become someone who can recognise the pattern quickly and respond from a place of wisdom rather than fear.

This is what "good enough" progress looks like in real life. Not perfection, but the ability to calm your nervous system, reframe the situation, and take appropriate action despite the emotional noise.

Your Turn: Identifying Your Core Wounds

We all carry these patterns, though they manifest differently for each person. Some common core wounds include:

• Fear of abandonment: Becoming overly clingy or, conversely, pushing people away before they can leave

• Control issues: Needing to micromanage situations or people to feel safe

• Perfectionism: Setting impossibly high standards to avoid criticism

• People-pleasing: Sacrificing your own needs to keep others happy

• Feeling "less than": Constant comparison and self-criticism

Take a moment to reflect: What situations consistently trigger strong emotional responses in you? When do you find yourself acting in ways that don't align with your values? What patterns keep showing up in your relationships or work life?

Developing Your Coping Toolkit

Once you've identified your core wounds, the real work begins: developing personalized strategies to manage them. Different approaches work for different people:

Cognitive techniques (like reframing) work well for those who find relief in logical analysis and perspective-shifting.

Somatic approaches (like grounding techniques, breathwork, or progressive muscle relaxation) can be more effective for people who feel their emotions primarily in their body.

Behavioural strategies might include setting specific boundaries, practising assertiveness skills, or developing scripts for difficult conversations.

The key is experimenting to find what works for your unique situation and personality.

Detailed Strategies for Common Core Wounds

Let's explore specific techniques for different core wounds, using cognitive, somatic, and behavioural approaches:

Fear of Abandonment

Cognitive approach: When you notice yourself becoming clingy or pushing someone away, challenge catastrophic thoughts like "They're going to leave me anyway." Ask yourself: "What evidence do I have that this person wants to abandon me? Am I confusing past experiences with present reality?"

Somatic approach: Practice the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique when abandonment fears arise. Name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste. This helps anchor you in the present moment rather than spiralling into future fears.

Behavioural approach: Create "reality check" conversations with trusted friends. Establish a code word or phrase you can text when abandonment fears are overwhelming, and ask them to remind you of evidence that contradicts your fears.

Control Issues

Cognitive approach: When you feel the urge to micromanage, pause and ask: "What am I actually afraid will happen if I don't control this? Is this fear rational or disproportionate?" Practice the mantra: "I can influence outcomes, but I cannot guarantee them."

Somatic approach: Try progressive muscle relaxation when control anxiety builds. Start with your toes and work up through your body, tensing each muscle group for 5 seconds, then releasing. This helps discharge the physical tension that comes with trying to control everything.

Behavioural approach: Start with "micro-surrenders" in low-stakes situations. Let someone else choose the restaurant, or delegate a small task without checking on it constantly. Gradually build your tolerance for uncertainty.

Perfectionism

Cognitive approach: Challenge your inner critic by asking: "Would I speak to a friend this way?" Practise reframing mistakes as learning opportunities rather than evidence of failure. Replace "I have to do this perfectly" with "I'll do my best with the time and resources I have."

Somatic approach: When perfectionist anxiety rises, try box breathing: breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4. This activates your parasympathetic nervous system and reduces the fight-or-flight response that fuels perfectionism.

Behavioural approach: Set deliberate "good enough" goals. If you normally spend 3 hours on a presentation, give yourself 90 minutes. Submit work at 80% of your usual standard and notice that the world doesn't end.

People-Pleasing

Cognitive approach: Before automatically saying yes to requests, pause and ask: "What do I actually want to do here? What would I advise a friend in this situation?" Challenge thoughts like "If I say no, they'll hate me" with evidence from past experiences.

Somatic approach: Notice where you feel the "yes" or "no" in your body. People-pleasers often ignore their gut instincts. Place your hand on your stomach and breathe deeply whilst considering the request. what does your body tell you?

Behavioural approach: Practise saying "Let me think about that and get back to

you" instead of immediately agreeing. Start with small nos like declining a second helping of food or politely refusing a shop assistant's help when you don't need it.

Feeling "Less Than"

Cognitive approach: Keep a daily list of three things you did well, no matter how small. When comparison thoughts arise, ask: "What information am I missing about this person's life? Am I comparing my inside to their outside?"

Somatic approach: Try the "mountain meditation": sit tall and imagine yourself as a mountain: grounded, stable, and unmoved by passing weather (other people's opinions or achievements). Breathe into this sense of your own solid foundation.

Behavioural approach: Limit social media consumption and unfollow accounts that consistently trigger comparison. Seek out communities where your contributions are valued, and actively celebrate others' successes to shift from scarcity to abundance thinking.

Remember, healing isn't linear, and different strategies work for different people. The goal is building a toolkit you can draw from when old patterns arise, helping you respond from wisdom rather than wounding.

Moving Forward with Compassion

As I recovered from shingles this week, I practised what I preach: I communicated honestly about my situation, asked for what I needed, and reminded myself that taking care of my health wasn't selfish, but responsible.

The anxiety still showed up, but it didn't control my actions. And that, I'm learning, is what healing really looks like: not the absence of our wounds, but the wisdom to work with them skilfully.

Our core wounds don't have to define us, but understanding them can free us. They're not character flaws to be ashamed of – they're information about what we needed as children and what we still need as adults. With patience, practice, and the right tools, we can learn to respond to life's challenges from a place of strength rather than fear.

What core wound will you choose to examine today? Remember: awareness is always the first step toward healing.

Are you interested in my ebook what looks at the topic of triggers and core wounds?