We’ve forgotten how to talk. Not how to speak, but how to listen
- Persefone Coaching
- Oct 11
- 3 min read
The noise never stops. Online, in bars, even in families, everything seems to turn into a clash of positions. We used to talk to understand. Now we mostly defend. Every word risks setting someone off. Every opinion feels like a declaration of loyalty to one tribe or another.
People keep saying we’re more connected than ever, but connection isn’t the same as communication. A thousand notifications don’t equal understanding. I watch conversations collapse every day, both in public and in private life. Everyone talks about empathy, but few practise it when they feel attacked.
What’s changed isn’t only politics or media, it’s the emotional climate. Most people are scared of being misjudged, shamed, or cancelled. Others are tired of being told that their lived experience doesn’t count because someone has better data. The ground for dialogue has eroded.
Still, most people don’t want to fight. They want to be heard. And that’s where constructive conversation begins.
I’ve spent years working with people who hold very different beliefs and backgrounds. What I’ve learned is simple, though rarely easy: a conversation becomes constructive when both people feel safe enough to stay curious. Safety doesn’t mean comfort. It means knowing that disagreement won’t lead to humiliation.
When people feel attacked, they don’t reflect, they defend. Once safety returns, curiosity does too. The best dialogues I’ve witnessed weren’t calm or polite; they were honest, sometimes uncomfortable, but rooted in mutual respect.
Certain principles keep showing up in those moments.
Respect before persuasion
If a person senses that you’re trying to change their mind before you’ve understood them, they’ll resist even your best argument. Respect opens the door that logic alone can’t.
Curiosity instead of certainty
The most powerful phrase in conversation is still “help me understand.” It signals that you care more about truth than victory.
Evidence that includes experience
Facts matter, but experience explains why people interpret those facts differently. Two people can read the same study and draw opposite conclusions, shaped by what life has taught them to fear or value.
Humility
We all like to think we see things clearly. But clarity isn’t the same as completeness. I remind myself often: I might be wrong, or simply not seeing the whole picture.
Relationships first
A conversation that destroys trust rarely changes a mind. There’s no wisdom in winning an argument if you lose the connection that makes learning possible.
These ideas sound soft until you see how hard they are to live by. In public debate, there’s little reward for humility. Certainty gets more applause. But if you want truth rather than performance, you have to create space for people to feel safe enough to be unsure.
Psychological safety isn’t a luxury, it’s a condition for honesty. People share real thoughts only when they know they won’t be shamed for them. The internet has made this nearly impossible. Too many people perform conviction they don’t actually feel, terrified that doubt will be read as weakness.
In that climate, genuine dialogue becomes radical. It means saying: “I want to understand you,” even when you disagree. It means asking what shaped someone’s view rather than assuming bad motives.
Before any of that, it helps to know your own foundations. What values are you defending when you argue? Which experiences shaped them? Who or what has most influenced the information you trust? Once you see your own filters, it’s easier to recognise those of others without judgement.
None of this is neat. It takes patience, and the willingness to sit in the discomfort of not being right. But it’s the only way to talk across divides that now feel impossible.
The truth is, most of us don’t need more arguments. We need conversations that still mean something. Conversations that remind us we’re speaking to human beings, not opponents.
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