Keep Calm and Deal With Your Irritation Productively Rather Than Destructively

Persefone Coaching
Jul 25
5 min read

Updated: Aug 3

As a coach, I am particularly attuned to the importance of empathy, especially in contexts where the absence of perspective taking is linked to arrogance.

When organising meetings or coordinating projects, it is essential to consider the perspectives, time, and convenience of all participants, especially those who are external to your organisation or come from varied professional backgrounds.

When inviting individuals to a video call, provide a clear topic, agenda, or at least a personalised email. Upon their arrival, acknowledge their presence and inform them of the meeting’s status (such as waiting for others or addressing technical issues) rather than leaving them uninformed.

I am currently developing a course on managing frustration and irritation, and situations like the one described above are a major trigger for my annoyance. Plus, I think I’ve developed an automatic allergic reaction to individuals who display a sense of superiority over others. My Red flag alert goes off immediately! 🚩🚨

Regardless of a person’s role or level of education, it is important to treat every participant with respect. Additionally, take time to learn about your colleagues; you may discover they have valuable connections or insights. Even if you have more expertise, it does not diminish the value they bring or justify treating them as lesser.

Keep Calm Techniques

In moments where expressing frustration outright isn’t appropriate, or when circumstances prevent you from immediately addressing the root of your irritation, having inner strategies is essential. Consider the following approaches:

Ground Yourself Physically: Subtle grounding exercises, such as feeling the weight of your feet on the floor or discreetly pressing your fingertips together, can anchor you in the present moment and diffuse rising tension.
Practice Internal Labeling: Silently acknowledge your feeling (“I’m irritated right now”) without judging yourself for it. This simple act of naming the emotion can create enough mental space to soften its intensity.
Adopt a Neutral Observer Stance: Imagine you are an impartial observer watching the situation unfold. This mental distance can help you detach from immediate emotional reactions and view events with greater objectivity.
Use a Personal Mantra: Quietly repeat a calming phrase to yourself, such as “Stay curious.” or “keep calm and carry on”. A well-chosen mantra acts as an anchor and reminds you of your intention to remain composed.
Pause Before Responding: If you must say something, allow yourself a pause, take a sip of water, jot down a note, or simply breathe. Even a brief delay can help you choose a response that aligns with your values rather than your irritation. It also helps to gain back a feeling of power, in situations you feel disrespected.
Plan a Private Decompression: If you cannot process your feelings in the moment, schedule time afterward to reflect, journal, or talk it out with a trusted peer. Knowing you have an outlet later can make it easier to remain calm in the interim.

These techniques enable you to maintain professionalism and emotional equilibrium, even when immediate resolution or direct communication isn’t possible. They transform frustration from an obstacle into an opportunity for self-mastery and demonstrate a powerful form of leadership, one that values inner composure as much as external action.

It happened to me!

If you haven’t already guessed the situation I described above just happened to me.

Here are a few key points:

1) Earlier in the morning I had been informed I would be contacted to arrange a meeting for that afternoon (a bit short notice as I’m a freelancer and work on different projects).

2) I then received an email asking me why I wasn’t connected to the video call.

3) I quickly entered in the call (luckily I was free).

4) I was left hanging while they appeared to be chatting about something else which turned out to be a technical issue.

5) I checked the invite it was just the link, nothing asking if the time was convenient, just assuming I would jump at their beckon call.

6) It is not the first time I have noted a need for improvement in communication from the people in question.

What I did for better or for worse

This is how I dealt with the situation (not perfectly), I’m afraid to say.

What went well:

a) I started doing something else and waited for them to get my attention back.

b) When the person said a rude comment to me, I asked her to repeat it. Which, by the way, is a great technique to use against narcissistic or people of ill intent. It gives them time to reflect upon their intent and communication. In fact, the woman in question reworded her statement softening the tone and I replied reasonably. Not letting her know I was provoked.

Where I could have improved:

At the start of the meeting, when she tried to get my attention and explain what was happening, I found her communication lacking clarity. My tone of voice demonstrated this as I asked her to please explain what exactly was going on. She switched to English (another trigger of mine as it implies my Italian is the issue). I replied (again with an annoyed tone) that Italian wasn’t the issue, but that what she said didn’t make sense to me, so I would like clarification.

What I said wasn’t so much the issue but my tone of voice (and I’m sure my expression) was. I should have remained neutral, and my point would have been more cutting. Nonverbal and tone often matter more than the words we use.

Practical Exercise

To illustrate my point try saying the following sentence with different expressions and tone of voice, one irritated and one calm and polite. Trying doing it in front of the mirror or on Teams/zoom:

“Excuse me, but I don’t understand what you mean by 2 different rooms”

How am I now dealing with my pent up tension?

You are witnessing my private decompression plan (Technique 6 on the list above)! I’m writing out my frustration and trying to turn it into something positive, useful and productive.

Want more help with these topics or others?

I already have a written self-paced course on my new website about using your tone of voice to project authority. Check it out here: https://www.persefonecoaching.com/challenge-page/39c65fa8-7185-40c9-b57e-878c68490987?programId=39c65fa8-7185-40c9-b57e-878c68490987

I hope to publish my course on Managing Frustration and Irritation tomorrow or the day after, you will find it published here: https://www.persefonecoaching.com/courses

Explore the shop section of my website for eBooks on emotional intelligence, communication, and leadership skills. You'll find both free content and materials available for a small donation: https://www.persefonecoaching.com/category/all-products or www.persefonecoaching.com