Communication Skills

NVC was created by Marshall Rosenberg, an American psychologist, in the 1960s. He used it in some of the most difficult situations in the world: war zones, prisons, communities in deep conflict. He found that when people changed the way they spoke and listened, even very difficult conversations became possible.

At its heart, NVC is a way of speaking and listening that helps people express what they feel and what they need, and hear the same from others, without blame or criticism.

You can use it at home, at work, with friends, with people you have just met. Any conversation where you want to be understood, or where you want to understand someone else.

It is about being honest in a way that does not attack the other person.

What exactly happened?

NVC is a way of communicating that helps people express their needs and feelings without making the other person defensive.

The steps are: Observation, Feeling, Need, and Request.

Step 1 is Observation. You describe what you saw or heard, with no judgement. In our example: ‘When you spoke over me before I had finished.’

Step 2 is Feeling. You name the emotion you feel. In our example: ‘I felt uncomfortable.’

Step 3 is Need. You name the deeper need behind that feeling. Not what you want the other person to do. What do you need as a person? In our example: ‘because I needed to know my input was worth hearing.’

Most people who struggle to say no do not oscillate between calm and assertive. They tend to swing between passive (staying quiet, over-explaining, giving in) and occasionally sharp when the pressure finally tips over. The assertive middle is rarely visited because it feels uncomfortable or risky. This tool helps you map where you currently land and practise moving toward the centre.

Scenario

A colleague promises to send you an important document by Friday.

They send it on Monday with no explanation.

Option A

“This really stressed me out. I was anxious all weekend waiting for it.”

Option B